I can't let go!

I'm listening to Tonic right now, "Lemon Parade". I wanted to listen to MB20 MTYTYA, but I lost my GD CD case. I hope it's somewhere in my room, but until I find it I can oly listen to music I have bought since I lost it. It sucks cause there's like 14 cds in there so hopefully I will find it. I really like Tonic though so I don't mind listening to them.

I copied some lyrics to songs that fit me (or kind of fit me) The first one doesn't fit entirely, but the general idea of why do things have to change and that things were better in the 80's is true for me. The 2nd one pretty much fits me to a t. which I don't really understand what "fits to a t" means. What the heck is the t that is mentioned? Well anyway there you go.

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"1985" by Bowling for Soup

Woo-hoo-hoo

Debbie just hit the wall
She never had it all
One Prozac a day
Husbands a CPA
Her dreams went out the door
When she turned twenty four
Only been with one man
What happen to her plan?

She was gonna be an actress
She was gonna be a star
She was gonna shake her ass
On the hood of White Snake's car
Her yellow SUV, is now the enemy
Looks at her average life
And nothing, has been, alright

Since Bruce Springstein, Madonna
Way before Nirvana
There was U2, and Blondie
And music still on MTV
Her two kids, in high school
They tell her that she's uncool
But she still preoccupied
With 19, 19, 1985

Woo-hoo-hoo

1985

Woo-hoo-hoo

She's seen all the classics
She knows every line
Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink
Even Saint Elmo's Fire
She rocked out to wham
Not a big Limp Biscuit fan
Thought she'd get a hand
On a member of Duran Duran

Where's the mini-skirt made of snake skin
And who's the other guy singing in Van Halen
When did reality, become T.V.
What ever happen to sitcoms, game shows

On the radio was

Springstein, Madonna
Way before Nirvana
There was U2, and Blondie
And music still on MTV
Her two kids, in high school
They tell her that she's uncool
But she's still preoccupied
With 19, 19, 1985

Woo-hoo-hoo

She hates time, make it stop
When did Motley Crue become classic rock?
And when did Ozzy become an actor?
Please make this stop!
Stop!
Stop!

And bring back

Springstein, Madonna
Way before Nirvana
There was U2, and Blondie
And music still on MTV
Her two kids, in high school
They tell her that she's uncool
But she's still preoccupied
With 1985

Bruce Springstein, Madonna
Way before Nirvana
There was U2, and Blondie
And music still on MTV
Her two kids, in high school
They tell her that she's uncool
But she's still preoccupied
With 19, 19, 1985

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"Unwell" by Matchbox 20

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

[Chorus]

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

[Chorus]

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

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Did I say that I started watching Atlantis? I don't remember if I did. It's a good show. I didn't give it a chance. I didn't like it that much at first, but I didn't really like the first eps. of SG-1 either. Also, although Mckay can still be annoying, he has toned down a lot and sometimes he is actually funny and cool. My fave characters so far are (excuse my spelling) Shepeard, Teyla and Dr. Weir. SG-1 will always be my main show and I will always love that one the best, but Atlantis is a good show. The characters and stories are cool and interesting and I'm really glad I decided to start watching it.

I'm feeling pretty crappy about things. God, I need a therapist but I don't have god damn 500 bucks or whatever the hell it is nowadays. And they have phone therapists, but it seems like only if you are working. God, you know the people who really need therapists are the people who have no money and no job and who are in a position where they can't pay for the help! It's fucking ridiculous! Maybe I need to keep looking, but so far the only thing I've found is a few email therapists. Yeah, that's gonna help. Well I guess it could, but I'd like to hear someone's voice thank you .

I really need to do some yard work today, but I don't feel like doing anything. Unfortunately the GD park manager will be on my ass if I don't get things cleaned up. God, I feel like shit.

I suppose it helps a little to write in my diary, but not as much as talking to a real (non objective) person would. I can't talk to my Phsychiatrist cause he doesn't give a shit. It's literally "How are things?" "Well, my parents just split up and I'm really stressed about the responsibilities I have and it's esp. hard w/ my mental and learning disabilities." "Oh, yeah, well those things can cause stress. Well, keep taking the medication and I'll see how you're doing next month." I'm NOT exagerating. The only thing he ever did for me that was worth me seeing him was apparently give me a good reccomendation for SSI. I can't talk to my sis cause she is taking the parents thing rather well and also she doesn't understand how hard it is supporting someone and having to make sure bills are paid and appts. are kept. I mean how could she? Dad understands about supporting yourself, but not other people and although I love my dad and can talk to him, I have trouble talking about deeper issues, and one of the bigs things is that some of my issues have to do w/ him so I would have to hold back. Actually that's the main reason I can't talk to my family. I love them, but I would want to talk about problems I am having w/ them and I couldn't do that if I was talking to one of them. W/ my mom there is that and also I don't want her to know about my mixed feelings w/ her and Wendy. Some people are probably saying, what about your friends? Even my best friends are not close enough to me for me to talk about all the shit that I have built up. I just don't get close to people and I couldn't talk about my issues to my friends. I couldn't talk to anyone except maybe a therapist, but yeah good luck to me finding one.

I deleted my GB. frankly the "Nice Work!" and "Cool Page!" w/ the porn site links that I had to keep editing so the links didn't show was getting annoying. And the comments just seemed fake like I had a robot that entered generic comments. It wasn't worth it to keep the GB up so that's why it's gone. There is still notes.

I have never heard any songs on this album besides "Open Your Eyes" and "If You Could Only See" (this is my first time listening to it). It's a good album.

My teeth are cracking, like how knuckles crack. It's really f-ing annoying, but I guess it's part of wearing braces.

Oh yeah, sorry about my story. I really don't feel like writing more of it right now and I don't know when I will again, but hopefully it won't be that long.

I guess that's all for now, bye.