I can't let go!

Ok, well I was supposed to meet my mom and Wendy at this thrift store near where they live. I woke up and got dressed around 11 and went into Lucy's room to tell her she needed to get up. She mumbled something like "ok" and I closed the door. 10 min. later I open it and she's fallen back asleep. "Lucy, you've gotta get up so we can go meet mom" I say. "ok". She starts to get up and once again as soon as I close the door she's laid down again. So I asked her to let me know if she couldn't go and she said she couldn't she was too tired. I wouldn't have minded if she had told me the night before, but she said she thought I would be upset. I would be more upset if she pretends she's going to go, then finally tells me at the last minute that she can't. Anyway, so I was stressed about that, but I wanted to go out so I decided I would just go by myself. I was supposed to meet them at the thrift shop. Apparently it is a really neat thrift shop that has a lot of new stuff, but I didn't get to see it which I will get to later. My mom told me to turn left at the 2nd light after the freeway, but you can't turn left at the 2nd light so I had to drive to the 3rd light and I turned into a little st. and then into a church parking lot so I could turn back around and hopefully find the store. Well, I was really stressed and I should have just stopped the car and called my mom, but I didn't. When I went to go out of the parking lot I looked right to see if there were any cars coming, but guess what I forgot to do? That's right, look left. So, as I was going out of the lot, a car coming towards me proceeded to honk and then smash into my left front light. God dammit! Of course it was my fault. I have only been in 2 accidents the 2 yrs. I've been driving, and the first was not my fault. Well we took eachother's info down and reported the accident and I guess it's all taken care of now, but shit I feel so stupid! I really can't afford to let my insurance go up. I am usually a really good driver, always making sure I pay attention, but I was just stressed. Like I say, I should have stopped to take a breather, but I also wanted to get to the thrift store because it was going to be closing in an hour. Oh well, my car had less damage than hers and that is a good thing because I don't have collision ins. I guess I can put this down in the lessons learned section of my mental biography along with stealing is wrong and don't ever let people you love go.

Mom and Wendy came down to where I was and Mom drove me to their house (in my car) so I could rest for a while. I had a coke, water, and 2 peices of chocolate. I told Mom about not being able to turn left at the 2nd light and she said "oh, I meant for you to turn at the 1st light". Well, god dammit why didn't she say that!? It's too late to get mad now anyway. What's done is done. When I got home I had a wine cooler cause I didn't think I wanted alcohol (Wendy offered me some wine), but I realized I did esp. since my neck was hurting and I was just generally feeling crappy. I also took some extra strength Ibuprofen that was left over from some dental work.

God, I can't wait till the convention. I so need a vacation.

I am also going to start Karate lessons as soon as things calm down around here (I have alot going on in July and early August so it will probably be late August). I wanted to do something for me. I mean the only thing I do is pay bills, go shopping and every once in a while go to the movies by myself or with Lucy. Sometimes I do other things like maybe go to a concert, but I wanted something that was ongoing that was just me time. I thought about school, maybe I will still do that, but new classes don't start till Sept. and I have to decide what classes to take. I also thought about charity work, but there isn't that much around here, it's mostly in LA and I really don't like to drive around there so I will just have to continue donating money. Eventually I would like to learn the violin. I used to play it in Jr. High and I loved it. My first year we had lessons before class in what was called 0 (zero) period. The next year the principle, or whoever was in charge of that kind of thing, decided to bring the orchestra class into the regular periods and I had to choose between that and Choir which I also loved. I chose choir because my friends were in there and we had a yearly Disneyland trip. If anyone had reminded me that it would be easy to sing when I was older if I didn't take choir, but not to play the violin if I didn't take lessons, I would have taken violin, but no one did, so I didn't. So now if I wanted to pursue it again I would most likely have to hire a private instructor and start over alsmost from the beginning because it's been so long since I've played. I don't have the money right now for individual lessons so that's out.

Then when I was doing some shopping at the local Vons, I saw a Karate school and thought that I would like to try that. I was supposed to take Karate lessons with my friend in HS, but it never worked out. I have to check and see if they have adult classes, but I think most places do. I hope this is something that I really like doing because I just feel so cooped up and like I need to have a change of pace.

I found 2 other songs (have listed songs before) that fit me esp. considering what I just said.

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"Over It" by Anneliese Van Der Pol

How could you know
That behind my eyes a sad girl cried
And how could you know
That i hurt so much inside
And how could you know
That i'm not the average girl
I'm carrying the weight of the world

YEAH!

So can you get me outta here

[chorus]
Take me away
We'll jump in the car
Drive til the gas runs out and then walk so far
That we can't
See this place anymore
Take a day off
Give it a rest
So i can forget about this mess
If i lighten up a little bit,
Then i will be
Over It

I'm playin the role
Of the happy girl
But no one knows
Inside i'm alone
But i would never let it show
I get everyday
Too much work and not enough play
Over and over
It's always the same

YEAH!

But you can make everything OK...

And when the world is closin' in
I can leave it all and just walk away
I can always start all over again
I am closer to a better day

[chorus]
Take Me Away
We'll jump in the car
Drive til the gas runs out and then walk so far
That we can't
See this place anymore
Take a day off
Give it a rest
So i can forget about this mess
If i lighten up a little bit,
Then i will be

If i lighten up a little bit,
Then i will be
Over It
Over It

I am Over It (over it)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

[Chorus:]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

[Chorus]

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's it for this overly long entry, bye.